This is the second chapter of my book Aggi. I hope you enjoy it.
Watch Out Or You Will Burn
“When you stink
from perspiration and get too close to a flame or are in direct sunlight, you
will spontaneously explode or catch on fire.”
This is what Aggi
was taught. Again, as a reminder,
ghastly pictures were placed up and down the hall. She was thankful they were not in her room. It would have been very hard to sleep
at night. She had seen them
before. As fast as they went up,
they came down. She never found
where they hid them. She had looked.
There were a
couple of pictures that were etched into her brain. She even gave them names. One was Mrs. Potts.
It looked like the home of an Englishwomen. It was very pretty and proper. Her whole body had been burnt to white and gray powder,
except for her legs from the knees down.
They were untouched. They
were still covered in her old-lady stockings and sensible shoes.
Did she suffer and cry for help, finally to
fall into the fireplace? Why didn’t
the stockings burn too? They were
one inch away from the incinerated flesh and bones.
Aggi analyzed was
how nothing else was burned, not the rug, not the chair nearby, nothing. She rationalized that at least no one
around her would burn if she forgot to wear deodorant.
She worried about
the greasy, oily goop that spread from a burned body. Her mom said the melted liquid from burned flesh and bones
was like glue, and the smell was horrific. Even dogs were said not to eat food that had been splattered
with the stuff. Her mother warned
her that there should never be any burned body goop in the house under any
circumstances. She made Aggi keep
a full box of thirty-six deodorants in her room, so to never run out and foul
up her precious house.
Aggi took the
photo of Mrs. Potts from the wall.
It was at the end of the line of pictures taped up along the hallway
wall. After all, there were so
many, she didn’t think anyone would miss it, and she was right.
There has to be a way to make sure I don’t
burn.
Aggi had been afraid of exploding and
burning her whole life.
I
need to take control of this.
She went to the
library.
The library was an
interesting place. Lots of people
and no one talked. The point was
not to interact with anyone else.
It was an incredibly majestic building. The pure architecture of it was priceless. Walking up the steps was entering into
the minds of all the people whose words filled the cavernous rooms. Because Aggi had always been told she
was stupid, she felt embarrassed to be there. She thought her stupidity was visible on the outside of her,
so she avoided eye contact. That
way, no one would know how dumb she was and kick her out. She did not look at the librarian’s
eyes when she asked about the picture for fear the lady would see her
incompetence. Aggi slid the
picture over to the librarian, across the massive wooden counter, and explained
she was doing a research project for school. As librarians always know, the librarian pointed to where
the books about medical oddities were located.
Aggi shyly said
thank you, and slipped away.
She pored over the
books, absorbing every bit of information. When it was something she was interested in, it was like a
voracious appetite that could not be filled. Aggi loved anything having to do with the human body and
science. The library was filled
with rows and rows of unbelievable facts.
Why isn’t the whole world crashing through
the doors to be in here? I won’t
tell anyone, so I can have this place to myself.
Later, Aggi found
a medical book on autopsies. So that
no one would know what she was looking at, she squatted into a hidden corner,
and started flipping through the pages.
Though it was disgusting, she could not put the book down. They used tools that looked like they
came from a gardener. Huge
clippers to cut through ribs, and saws to cut around the head and lift the top
off like a bowl. She read about
how each organ was removed and weighed.
Even the brain was sliced on a deli meat cutting machine and analyzed.
Later in the
mortuary, the eyes were stuffed with cotton and sewn shut, along with the
mouth.
Remembering what
her parents said about selling her to science made her sick to her
stomach.
I must stay alive. I won’t let them do this to me.
It was too much
information. It was making her
shaky. Aggi needed to go outside
and breathe fresh, cool air. To
make sure the book would be there when she returned, she tucked it in with the
books at the bottom of the bookshelf – backwards, so the library code was hidden.
It was a perfect
day outside. It felt so
cleansing. The air was crisp and
the sun was bright. The leaves
were turning the brilliant colors of fall. Purple crocuses were poking out of the ground, and the fire
bushes were bright scarlet. After
three deep cleansing breaths, Aggi felt a little stronger. She felt a little more empowered. She felt a little more grown up. She had done something for herself at
the library and was proud of it.
Every day I must be stronger. I can do it… I can do it…
Aggi was standing
straighter. She rolled her
shoulders back and held her head up.
She almost had a bounce in her walk as she went home for dinner.
When she got home,
she was still smiling.
As Aggi walked in
the door, her mom sassed, “What’s wrong with you? What are you up to?
Wipe that smirk off your face and get ready for dinner. Everyone is waiting for you.”
Aggi deflated.
Her confidence melted from
her.
Her mouth froze shut.
She was silent.
It was easy for Aggi to
mentally put herself in another world.
It was a protective device.
She took a breath and released to a feeling that cannot be described
other than it was instant. Pain,
hurt, sorrow, or any other things that were too hard to bear at the moment were
removed. Something may even be
happening to her physically, yet a defense mechanism allowed her to move ever
so slightly away from her body and continue on, sometimes with extreme
indifference.
Instead of living it, she
went somewhere else.
Anywhere else.
Snapping back happened
quickly.
Aggi wanted to run.
She wanted to run to Emma’s
house. She wanted to hear kind
words. She wanted to feel the
kindness of Emma’s heart. She would
go get some rose petals to feel better.
Day 22: October
18 – 343 days to freedom
I am
nothing. I have no existence. I have no color, no reflection,
nothing. When I look in the
mirror, I am hideous. I am a
monster. I am dark inside like the
color black. I should have been
named “Dark”. That is how I
feel. I will call myself “Dark”.
